The one who has lost a loved one can only fathom the depth of that sorrow, and only the one with a compassionate heart knows how to console the sorrowful heart.
A friend of mine called me on the phone the other day. We hadn’t seen or talked to each other in a long while.
I answered his call in an energetic tone, “Hey, man! What’s up?”
He responded in a suppressed tone, “Hey, Bro! My mom passed away a couple of weeks ago!”
I heard what he said, and it softened my tone, “Thank you, Bro, for thinking of me and calling me to share your feelings. It must be hard. And, I don’t even know what to say to you right now. I know how hard it is because I’ve been there myself, and even after six years and counting, I’m still trying to deal with it every day. A mother means an entire world to her child, no matter how old the child is. And when something like this happens, that child loses his entire world forever. Please speak your heart, my brother. I’m listening!”
He told me that his mother fell sick out of the blue and had to be hospitalized. And then, her condition worsened beyond healing, and his whole world came to a standstill, just like how it was for me when I had lost my Ma’s touch, her voice, her hugs and kisses, and her presence permanently.
It was difficult, but I started consoling him, “My brother, a mother’s love is beyond death and truly eternal. Even when a mother is physically not present by her child’s side anymore, she is always with her child in his heart, warming and comforting it. So, never give up on that love your mom always had for you because it is eternal.”
“She is always by your side to guide you even when she is physically not there at your side. Now she is a free soul, but she is still and will always be your mother. So, keep living your life, my brother, and honor your mother’s memories and the love she has always had for you. Mother is a feeling that never dies!”
He said he thought of calling me because only I could uplift his spirit through my words.
“Bro, I thought of calling you because your words have always been comforting. You have a deep understanding of anyone’s grief. You understand others’ pain and know what to say to give them comfort. I’m feeling okay now. It was nice talking to you!”, he said in a tranquil tone.
“Whenever you feel like talking to me, don’t hesitate to call me, whether it’s the day, night, or even after midnight, your brother is always here to listen to your heart. It’s gonna take a long time for you to learn to live with this sorrow, but you must always remember how your mother loved you and always wished and prayed for your happiness and well-being. So, never give up, my brother. You can also come and see me anytime you want!”
Unfortunately, we couldn’t meet because of our work time conflicts, but I called him a few times again to check on him, and he is beginning to do okay in his life now.
Such is life, it goes on, but some voids of life can never be filled again, they remain empty forever.
I’ve seen many human souls making their final transitions in my life, including my parents; I’m using the term ‘Final Transition’ instead of the Big D because not everyone is comfortable enough to talk or read about it (I’m afraid I’m going to have to to use the word one more time, “Death” – the Big D).
No doubt, the “Final Transition” is hard for the one who makes it and also for the ones who are left behind with only the memories of their loved ones who have made their final transitions.
When you hear about someone related to your friends or distant family member making the final transition (passing), you often don’t know what to say in a situation like that, especially if you’ve never experienced or witnessed anyone making the final transition. Of course, even in such a grave situation, some blunt-minded, inconsiderate people can often have the courage to say something that ends up causing the bereaved heart more pain than comfort.
And I sometimes wonder how these inconsiderate people will feel when they lose someone dear to them and if somebody else shows them no empathy as they do to others.
Nobody is spared from the grief of losing a loved one; sooner or later, everyone’s time will come to mourn after the passing of their loved one. And sometimes, there comes a time even the considerate-hearted people who have never been to any funeral or never witnessed any loved one’s passing in their life don’t know how to console someone they know who’s afflicted with such grief.
So this article is dedicated to those compassionate hearts out there who want to learn ways to express their kindness to their bereaved friends and acquaintances.
As I mentioned, I’ve lost my parents and seen them making their final transitions right before my eyes. I even performed their final rites and rituals with my very hands, offering their free souls peace and a place in heaven. So, I know exactly how it feels when someone loses a loved one, and some distant relatives and friends come over to console them after the tragic loss of their loved one.
Therefore, here are some things you must consider carefully before showing your care and offering your comfort and condolences to the bereaved:
1. Wear a sober outfit.
If you’re going to attend the funeral of someone you know who has lost his/her loved one, make sure you wear sober clothing. Wear some light-colored clothes but avoid wearing anything snazzy. You can wear anything according to your tradition for such circumstances, but whatever it is, be sober with that.
Also, wear some light-smelling cologne. When you visit them in a sober outfit, it will communicate your unspoken genuine concern for them and showcase that you understand their grief.
2. Avoid alcohol or recreational drugs.
When you are visiting someone to comfort them in their grief, but you go there inebriated and are not in full possession of your faculties, how the hell will you bring them comfort? Therefore, strictly avoid drinking alcohol or using recreational drugs before visiting someone who has lost a loved one.
3. Avoid texting, make a phone call.
If you cannot go to see your friend or acquaintance who’s mourning the loss of his/her loved one in person for some reason, but you get to know about it from some common source through other friends or acquaintances, avoid sending them text messages, instead make them a phone call and talk to them gently. Keep a soft tone. We’ll discuss later in this article what words you can use and should avoid using while you console them.
If that bereaved person doesn’t answer your phone call, which is often the case because this sorrow is always intense, try calling them again after a few hours. If they still don’t answer your call and you’re worried about their health, you should take some time out and visit them at their place in person. Texting often leaves an impression that your care is perfunctory. And if you are in a good relationship with them, they may feel sadder by your perfunctory concern for them. So, it’s always better to pay a visit.
4. Choose your words carefully.
Whether you try to console them over the phone or go to meet them in person, the words you say to them in times like these will matter a lot because those words will leave a lasting impression on them. So, be extra careful with your words.
Never say words like, “I’m sorry for your loss!” “It will be all right!” “They are in a better place!” “It shouldn’t have happened!” “Time heals everything!” or never ask them or inquire about “How did this happen?” “Was he/she sick?”, I believe these are some standard made-up, formal sentences that sound more robotic than human, and therefore, these words may do them more harm than good.
So, you can say things like:
“I understand how hard it is to deal with this sorrow!”
“I don’t even know what to say or how to console you at this time!”
“I cannot even fathom the intensity of your grief!”
“May the Creator of the universe give you all the strength necessary to deal with this blow!”
“His/her love is still with you, and that love which is in your heart will always remain with you even when he/she is not physically here with you anymore!”
“No death (I’m sorry I have to use the word this one last time again) can ever destroy or have the power over the love we share with our loved ones!”
“He/she is still watching you from somewhere out there, so you must honor their immortal love and carry on with your life!”
“This healing will take a lot of time, but you don’t give up on yourself and that love that you still share with him/her even if he/she is physically not here with you anymore!”
You can say any of the above sentences to them or simply take their hand in one of your hands, place your other hand on top of their hand, and clasp and caress them.
If the bereaved is your close friend or relative, simply hug him/her and caress his/her back or head. You can also put your arm around his/her neck and say nothing, just be by their side or stand or walk by their side.
5. Take them out to a place where you can talk.
If someone has just lost their loved one and you’re visiting them on the same day or a few days later, you can ask them if they’d like to take a walk. If they say yes, just walk with them without inquiring or talking too much. Let them do most of the talking, so you just be attentive to them.
Keep caressing their head or back, or hand with care.
Take them to some restaurant, because often during these times, the bereaved hasn’t eaten well for a while. Order a cup of tea or coffee and a sandwich for both of you and insist they drink and eat it. Tell them that they need strength in their body to deal with this terrible blow of life. And don’t forget to pay the restaurant bill.
Just spend significant time with them, and please don’t show any signs of hurry; if you’re in a hurry, you better don’t go to see them in your rush. If you go to see them in a hurry, it will make an impression on them that you just came there out of your business or working relationship, or friendship, you didn’t mean to visit them, so your actions will seem perfunctory.
After you spend significant time consoling them, tell them that you care for them and will always be there for them. Since you’ve shown deep concern for them by visiting and spending time with them, they’ll know that you do care for them and will be there for them, and this will give them some solace in their tough times, knowing that they are not alone.
6. Avoid laughing and being funny unnecessarily.
When you’re visiting someone who has just lost a loved one, you may be having happy times in your life, but when you face them, try to keep a stoic face with a genuine look of concern for them. Your face will show them that you are a person of care, so your presence may make them feel at ease a little, even for a short while. Avoid making bad jokes, but you can narrate some funny incidents to them to lighten their mood but only with the awareness that they are mourning the passing of their loved one.
7. Make some follow-up phone calls or visits to them.
After you’ve visited them the first time when they had just lost their loved one, make sure you call them again after a few days or visit them in person to console them furthermore and to check on them. Again keep your words kind and considerate, and use gestures of caring touch.
When you hear the news of the passing of someone closely related to your friends or acquaintances, always remember that now it’s their time, but sooner or later, your time will come too when you lose someone you love and therefore think about it, “Would you like if someone treated you bluntly and without any empathy or concern for your loss?
The Big D is inevitable, and it’s painful for the one who goes through it and also for the ones who are left behind to mourn and carry on, so as humans, we have this gift of expressing our feelings and emotions so that we can share each other’s grief and care and support each other in times of pain and suffering.
So, these are some things you should consider when trying to console someone who has lost a loved one over the Big D. You can also check out my article, How to Deal with Life When Everything Seems Chaotic, where I talk about some of life’s tough situations and ways to tackle them.
This article is dedicated only to those kind-hearted souls like you who don’t know how to express their kindness to others who are bereaved.
I wish you and your loved ones good health, happiness, and long life.
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